Worst Emotion

Every emotion is part of human experience. Even pain demands to be felt. This has beautifully iterated in the poem Ithaka.

But, I guess the worst emotion would be helpnessness. It is hard to overcome and being indifferent usually does not help. The causality seems to be working against you and you have no option but to take it. People say you need to fight and not give up. But sometimes it just does not help. All your strengths go for a toss.

Another emotion would be remorse. It is pointless and does not solve anything. It even obscures the present and decision making.

Looking for Alaska

There are many favourite quotes from different books. I just finished reading this novel, so decided to write it. This was the best part of the otherwise an average book, according to me. 

(The context might help you appreciate it much better)

“Before I got here, I thought for a long time that the way out of the labyrinth was to pretend that it did not exist, to build a small, self-sufficient world in a back corner of the endless maze and to pretend that I was not lost, but home. But that only led to a lonely life accompanied only by the last words of the already-dead, so I came here looking for a Great Perhaps, for real friends and a more-than-minor life. And then I screwed up and the Colonel screwed up and Takumi screwed up and she slipped through our fingers. And there's no sugarcoating it: She deserved better friends.

When she fucked up, all those years ago, just a little girl terrified into paralysis, she collapsed into the enigma of herself. And I could have done that, but I saw where it led for her. So I still believe in the Great Perhaps, and I can believe in it in spite of having lost her. Because I will forget her, yes. That which came together will fall apart imperceptibly slowly, and I will forget, but she will forgive my forgetting, just as I forgive her for forgetting me and the Colonel and everyone but herself and her mom in those last moments she spent as a person. I know now that she forgives me for being dumb and scared and doing the dumb and scared thing. I know she forgives me, just as her mother forgives her. I still think that, sometimes, think that maybe "the afterlife" is just something we made up to ease the pain of loss, to make our time in the labyrinth bearable. Maybe she was just matter, and matter gets recycled. But ultimately I do not believe that she was only matter. The rest of her must be recycled, too. I believe now that we are greater than the sum of our parts. If you take Alaska's genetic code and you add her life experiences and the relationships she had with people, and then you take the size and shape of her body, you do not get her. There is something else entirely. There is a part of her greater than the sum of her knowable parts. And that part has to go somewhere, because it cannot be destroyed. Although no one will ever accuse me of being much of a science student, one thing I learned from science classes is that energy is never created and never destroyed”.

Musings while walking in an endless dark swamp

She embodied the great perhaps. And I only had myself to hate for not being worthy of her attention.

What happens when people open their hearts? They get bigger or get broken.

You keep apologising for ruining my life, not knowing that you were my life.

All the missed calls were just a missed opportunity and it led to ‘I loved you’ even without first going to ‘I love you’.

Feel like a clock – ticking alone with no purpose.

Loneliness doesn’t hurt as much as being ignored by the people u love and are always in ur mind.

So lonely, I think even loneliness has left me.

Do not forget the importance of the moon while u r busy counting the stars.

Waving in the summer breeze like the discarded shell of an insect.

My only mistake was that I loved her - Deeply and honestly.

Eyes do not deceive. It is the stupid heart.

If u cant find the Mikesh(Of TVF PErmanent Roommates fames) of ur life, be one for some1 else

So alone that even loneliness has left me.

The only focus I get is from my phone camera.

Musings on love by 'another brick on the wall'

How does one know they are in love ?

Depends on the person. Love is an emotional and irrational feeling. But if I had to summarise :

1. You constantly want to make the other person happy whatever be the cost.
2. You want to be in touch with the other person. Can take any amount of pain to do this.
3. You are selfish in the sense, you derive happiness from others happiness.

How do you know when someone really love you ?

The answer varies according to person. For me, if I had to generalise :

1. If the person isn’t hesitant to show their weakness to you and accepts you inspite of your shortcomings.
2. Brings out the best out of you.
3. Pure, selfless care without any expectation. They derive happiness from your happiness.
4. If it's a guy like me, and if he stops fifa for u even if it isn’t urgent or shaves the beard for u, consider urself to be that special person :p .

What is the worst emotion a person can feel ?

Every emotion is part of human experience. Even pain demands to be felt. This has beautifully iterated in the poem Ithaka.

But, if you ask me which is the worst emotion, I guess it is helpnessness. It is hard to overcome and being indifferent usually does not help. The causality seems to be working against you and you have no option but to take it. People say you need to fight and not give up. But sometimes it just does not help. All your strengths go for a toss.

Another emotion would be remorse. It is pointless and does not solve anything. It even obscures the present and decision making.

How do you know that break up is the right decision ?

This is indeed a complex question. You may take any decision, but regret does not solve anything. As they say, “grass seems greener on the other side”.

I would like to use a quote from Murakami’s book - Norweign woods

“Her eyes, strangely transparent seemed like windows to a world beyond, but however long I peered into their depths, there was nothing I could see. Our faces were inches away from each other. But she was light years away from me”.

If one is not able to connect emotionally and not willing to sacrifice for the other half, there might be an issue. If you are most of the time in love with the memories than the person infront of you, then you need to think about it. But I believe communication is a key before jumping to any conclusions. Not saying break up is the only solution.

Stay happy. May Batman bless you! :D

Being hopelessly Plutonic - in a delusional sense

What does it feel like to care for some one without being reciprocated the same feelings back ?

You weep silently in your despair, for days. You finally know why heart is used as a metaphor for emotions and what heart break actually means even though the heart just does fine. You get ignored constantly, but intermittent attention gives you ecstacy. A simple thank you, a laugh –‘hehe’ is enough to be exuberant and make those lips make the smile curve. But all this seems like a fallacy. The smile is just a mask to hide the pain within. The pain of being let down and taken for granted. You feel like you are being played. Sometimes you just want to end it and move on and stop interacting her to avoid the pain of disappointment. But, it is hard. This high, low, high phase continues for a while. Self esteem goes for a loss. That is the last thing you worry about. You realize the meaning of sacrifice. And mostly, her silence kills. You cry your ‘heart’ out until you have no more tears left. You feel a deep void in your life. Your taste in music, movies and books change. You are willing to be there for her anytime. Even though distance separates us. Willing to go to any length and distance to help her. Even exams does not matter.

Love makes you realize how selfless you can be, how pure and childlike your desires can get. It brings out the goodness within you. But love also can de pretty nasty. Hate is a bagagge, so can be love sometimes. All you can do is console yourself with thoughts such as ‘she was the great perhaps and I only have myself for not being handsome enough for her’. Or that ‘Some people shine so bright for others that they often blind others and are ignored’. You keep telling yourself ‘not to ignore the moon while looking at the stars’. 
You go on cloud 9 if you get a text from her, even as simple as a good night or enquiry about a life event I had told her of. But the feeling falls as hard as an excited electron falls back to lower energy levels, giving away energy. You get ignored, taken for granted. You tolerate all that coz you do not know the situation other person is in. It gets worse when the other person is stubborn and very emotional. Stops texting over petty arguments (as if the relationship means nothing) and never initiates convo. So, when she is online, you do not know whether she is just waiting for your text. Sometimes there would be a reply that shall lead to ecstasy. But sometimes they are ignored and the blame is on your rude attitude. An attitude of honesty and bluntness rather than double tongued manipulations.

I used to do all sort of things for a ‘special someone’. Make her laugh, do crazy things, support her, write stories and songs. It felt good making her happy. In that way, I was just being selfish. Her happiness made me feel good and I was just finding my own happiness in her happiness. This was what a many would call a ‘one sided love’.

She had the habit of keeping data pack on all night long and checking it intermittently during sleep. A trait I shared with her. But she sometimes complained of people disturbing her sleep by texts at night. So, you are always in a quandary whether to text her (especially during tense moments) or let it be. The stupid heart reasons maybe she is waiting for your texts, which I still do not know the answer to. Say, for instance, we do not wish each other ‘Good Night’, then I keep checking the phone for that ecstatic text. Only to be disappointed. But the stubborn heart keeps hoping nonetheless next time. You do not feel like listening to lectures and want to constantly talk to the person about anything and everything.

In the end, I did not even get a date from her. Worse was when she said “Date is not a big deal. I have done that quite a few times” but still refused the same in my case. I did not ask for anything much but just an opportunity to express my love for her.

After I asked her to meet me, she would say things like “I do not want you to travel all this distance just to meet me”. I tried telling her often that this was nothing for me. It was just a night’s journey and that she wasn’t ‘any other person’. “It is like travelling across the country to see that ‘beautiful lake’ or a beautiful mountain”. Yet, she would just change topic when I would bring this up. She never was honest about not wanting to meet me. This was really painful. And when she had the chance to come to my city, she never really took it up. It was like I was living in an imaginary labyrinth.

This sort of conversation was very common

Girl : You are very good person. I like you. But we cannot be in a relationship. You are not my type.

Boy : I am willing to change for you.

Girl : What is the guarantee you won’t change after we are in a relationship, if you can change now.

Nonetheless, the heart is resilient and knows deep down that power of love still exists and that some day it shall skip a beat for that ‘special someone’.

My love for her will always be unconditional and true. May be someday she will realize. I only wish her goodness in life. Hopefully she finds someone who loves her much more than me and I find someone whom I shall love truly and unconditionally.

Million words, million tears hasn't made her understand how much she means to me, my heart is shattered into a million pieces.

Even after all this, I am glad that I got to feel this way about someone. The best one can do is “take a sad song and make it better” as iterated by John Lennon. After all, ‘Har kisi ko nhi milta, yeha pyar zindagi main’. You can not try to wrap your head around to understand what you did wrong. You seem to realize that the only mistake you did was that you loved her deeply and truly. But, one can never assume the other person to understand that.

The rationale for being a night owl

Coz I am Batman! :p

There is something amazing and serene about night. The world goes to sleep and you can stare at the wall for hours and there would be no one to tell you anything. No consequences. The silence and peace is precious int he noisy, hectic world we live in. Self love is true love. We are all by ourself and it the best time for introspection and do things you normally would not do under watchful eyes (Hopefully good things).

I often prefer to study late night with a good music. There is darkness outside. It is like I am cut off with the world. Hence, have no other option than to study (If only I manage not to get distracted by laptop nor fall sleep :p ).

Character deaths in movies that are excruciatingly heart breaking

PS : Spoilers ahead.

Death of Shaalu Gupta in Masaan. Her boyfriend ends up unknowingly disposing her ashes in the Ganges (It is his family profession)

Death Ellie in Up

Death of both the lovers in epic regional film - Sairat The death was out of the blue.

Death of Varun in Lootera He acknowledges death in the face. For his loved one. Beautiful, yet sad ending.

Death of Light Yagami in Death Note

Death of father wolf in Wolf Children

Death of Hazel Grace in Fault in our Stars

Hodor in Game of Thrones

Death of SRK in Kal ho na ho

Death of Guido in Life is beautiful Even in his final moments, he tries to cheer his son.

Death of Katsumoto in The last Samurai

Death of Lelouch in Code Geass

Death of Danny Archer in Blood Diamond

Death of George Clooney in Gravity. He let goes the rope to save his Co-Astronaut and vanishes into empty space with nothing around.

Death of the female protagonist in Millionaire’s First Love

Death of Kundan in Raanjhanaa He loves a girl all his life without receiving anything in return but pain. Ultimately, she is responsible for his death and even in his final moments, he lets go of her so that she loves some one else ans stays happy. But wishes that if there is another life, he wishes to love her again.

Death in walk to remember

Which is worse : Rejection or Regret ?

Regret.

I was in a long distance relationship with a girl and she used to occupy most of my everyday thoughts. I used to link everything to anything that remotely connected to what she had shared with me via whatsapp.

I failed!

I cried and went into depression for a while. It was awful to lose her. Crushed like a sugarcane, out of any juice and chewed and spit out on the streets. It felt worse. I tried a lot to patch up things, she just did not appreciate all I did for her. But, I take pride and happiness in the things I tried doing for her. I do not see it as a pain.

But one thing I didn’t feel was regret. With time, my happiness returned and normalcy took control again. Today I remember those times when I had become weak and desperate. But I don’t regret trying so much. She embodied the great perhaps. And I only had myself to hate for not being worthy of her attention. After falling for her, I started appreciating the goodness inside me. Started looking at emotions in a whole new light. Started appreciating emotional movies, novels.

Whenever someone asks me “Were all those efforts worth it?”. I just nod and say “Yes!” If I had to go back in time and take a decision, I would do the same thing again.

It’s always better to have tried and failed than to have never tried at all.You come out with a jar of experiences and what is life after all but collection of memories. The burden of regret far exceeds that of a failure. A person can try again after a failure but doesn’t always get the opportunity they once missed.

Right, now I have began writing to hold the shattering pieces of my life. It does not make sense for me to not do something for the fear of a failure or getting hurt in the process. For instance, I play football if I love it. Whether I succeed as a football player or that I shall end up hurting myself sometimes in the process should not deter me from not playing. The same logic goes with love. Funny, I am using ‘logic’ and ‘love’ in the same sentence.

Its not about skipping to the end of the story, it is about revelation. To know what we do not know. Journey matters more than the destination. Sadness helps you grow strong and introspect.

I only wish her goodness in her life.

Musings by an atheist

What are the main reasons that lead people to atheism?

The stupidity of religion in itself is sufficient. Religion is just a product sold to the masses, which was arms in gloves with the established rulers. Both depended on each other to keep their importance intact and hence created narratives that changed with changing times. Religious places are just to make money. After facing backlash of late due to modern and liberal education, they have started encorporating marketing gimmiks used by companies. Differentiation, Product placement, Diversification etc..

Being a marketing student in top B-School, I can say this.

The best part of atheism is that one is free from the shackles that holds a person and there is a power of choice.

Hostels - A 'liberal' Prison system?

Born a villager, I never once felt completely at home among the naive and anti-intellectual crowd of my neighbourhood in deepest hinterlands. It was only after a lot of time that I was able to completely fit among the urbanities of a metropolitan, having spent my childhood and college days in a "virtual city" sort of place far away from the screeching noises of cities - Boarding Schools. Surrounded by lush green pastures and the serenity of nature, my morning was welcomed by the day's first sunrays kissing the face; while on the morning jogs. My study hours was spent with the birds singing in the backyard. I would spend the evenings playing football with clean breeze all at the disposal. This, in contrast to the endless chatter and obscurity of the city. But the education and facilities, all made us feel like living in a small city of ours. It was as though living in the countryside, but availing the resources of the city. Modi in his vision for India would later coin the term "rurban" for this kind of adjustment. But in a true sense, it did not completely satisfy the definition of "rurban". It was a completely different experience with many paradoxes. The hostel was an amalgamation of children from varied backgrounds, region, religion and culture; all sharing the same roof. Each dissipating his life's travesties to the other, simultaneously absorbing others. It was one of a kind of itself. But even then, due to obvious reasons, I was always drawn towards the cosmopolitan life, right from my tender age.
While I would struggle to fit among both the worlds, now that I look back, it wasn't a rough ride. Others who are the first in their families to attend a hostel shall tell you the same thing : It renders you unrecognisable to the very people who launch you into the world. The ideas and values absorbed in convent schooling challenge the orthodoxy of rural life, that even in the 21st century are rooted deep in peoples lives. When we have any activity or conversation, it's often a kind of work our parents have never heard of. Social class is very much prevalent in the urban life, eventhough nobody likes to admit it. From an early age, middle-class people learn to get along, using diplomacy, nuance, and politics to grab the upper echelons of the corporate ladder.

Many would call the hostel system as prison and they are right to some extent. Ask any one who studied in hostel and they would have called their hostel as prison at some point of time. Apart from curbing of freedom, exclusion from society and the dreadful punishments, it was the feeling of guilt and isolation that hurts you the most. Why do I deserve this? Why are we doing this? What is it like to live a ‘normal life’? But, after sometime you learn to accept the system, however rebellious you seem to think of yourself. The system always wins. Coz you are part of it.

Many movies and songs have been written against conformism, military style diktat. A human spirit is by default striving for freedom. It is only our will and most importantly circumstance that acts as deterrent. Conformity is stressed in hostels. Rules are stressed and no individual care is given. No attention is given to children’s mind. On the outside everything might seem normal since one is confirmed to a lifestyle and routine due to strict punitive actions. After one comes out of the system (Read : Hostel) they try to make up for the lost freedom and individuality make doing things one normally would not have done. This might lead to precarious situations.

Hostel life opens door to many variegated lives. You know many people stories. But along with that comes, the pain of separation and the problems that come with communal life. Back stabbing, ragging, Fights over petty issues.

Parenthood : A serious business

One stupid thing that society keeps telling is that “Do not say anything bad about your mom. Don’t you know the pain she went through to give birth to you”.

I find this stupid be cause just because someone gives birth, they do not own it. They have a responsibility. They just cannot abandon the child and think that the child owes them for giving life. The child never asked to be given birth. Of course, the child needs to appreciate the fact that mother went through lot of pain to give birth, but that was her choice. She knew the pain she would be going into.

Parenthood is a serious business. Children should not be ignored.

Life changes after falling in love?

What happens when people open their hearts? They get bigger or get broken

I was in a long distance relationship with a girl and she used to occupy most of my everyday thoughts. I used to link everything to anything that remotely connected to what she had shared with me via whatsapp. Every song lyric somehow reminded me of her. See anything remotely associated to things about her; like her like for ice creams, it would remind me of her. I use to reply to her messages within seconds. I was the first person to initiate the conversation when we ran out of topics. I was always free and willing to chat even if I had tests. I even chatted with her right under the manager’s nose risking his wrath.

DP ulta daala and status : Coz u turn my world upside down.

Willing to pause fifa in between, willing 2 shave beard for her. Against my bro code :p

Saved her town’s weather status to check on her. She didn’t give a damn. There was hint of her finding it irritating. Hence, removed it.

Willing to choose a less prestigious college just so that I could stay in the same city as her.

She was like a phone charger. Needed her constantly and couldn’t forget her. But funnily, I need the charger so much coz I constantly want to be in touch with her.

It was awful to lose her. I cried and went into depression for a while. It was like when a dog carries away a shoe to a far off place. It might as well have carried both the shoes in pairs. The other shoe was of no use without the other. It felt worse. I tried a lot to patch up things, she just did not appreciate all I did for her. But, I take pride and happiness in the things I tried doing for her. I do not see it as a pain. It felt good to be there for her. Even if it pained me, I had to stop doing things for her since I felt that she started finding such things obstrusive to her life. She never disclosed much about her feelings and spoke little, but used to burst out suddenly sometimes. This was the worst I had to deal with. This used to really keep me confused.

Tried so hard 2 patch up. Sometimes bhut gussa ataa hai, ki I did so much for her. But I have only myself to blame for not being worthy of her.

Initially I was extemely rational, level headed person with liberal outlook. Like a clock – ticking alone with no purpose. I believed that obsession is bad for relationship. I liked my space. Logical and open minded. I hated the need for people to know minute details of others life. I did not believe seriously in committed relationships (not that I was ever in one). But I changed after falling for her. I became emotional and craved for her attention. I started appreciating emotions. I started seeing emotional scenes in movies, books in whole new light. I felt them. I felt alive. I realized that love was something more than physical. I felt the need to constantly be part of her life. I opened up myself for her. Truely and deeply. Told her my weaknesses, faults. I used to anxiously wait for her texts, especially if she was online (which used to end up as disappointment most of the times). Sometimes life demands you take irrational decisions.

I will always love her. No matter what. Even after she used me, I only wish her happiness in life. I always used 2 tell “Ill always be there for u. Ill care for you, you can txt me anytime you need”, without getting any of the same from her.

But one thing I didn’t feel was regret. With time, my happiness returned and normalcy took control again. Today I remember those times when I had become weak and desperate. But I don’t regret trying so much. She embodied the great perhaps. And I only had myself to hate for not being worthy of her attention. After falling for her, I started appreciating the goodness inside me. I started taking better care of my body and health. I used to ignore this before.

Whenever someone asks me “Were all those efforts worth it?”. I just nod and say “Yes!” If I had to go back in time and take a decision, I would do the same thing again.

It’s not about skipping to the end of the story, it is about revelation. To know what we do not know. Journey matters more than the destination. Sadness helps you grow strong and introspect. People aren’t bad. They just can’t see the goodness in you. You give and give until you have nothing to give. That’s part of happiness. ‘Coz happiness real only when shared’, right? But the sad part is if the receiver doesn’t value it. Well, but love isn’t a commodity that you look for a return.