Being hopelessly Plutonic - in a delusional sense

What does it feel like to care for some one without being reciprocated the same feelings back ?

You weep silently in your despair, for days. You finally know why heart is used as a metaphor for emotions and what heart break actually means even though the heart just does fine. You get ignored constantly, but intermittent attention gives you ecstacy. A simple thank you, a laugh –‘hehe’ is enough to be exuberant and make those lips make the smile curve. But all this seems like a fallacy. The smile is just a mask to hide the pain within. The pain of being let down and taken for granted. You feel like you are being played. Sometimes you just want to end it and move on and stop interacting her to avoid the pain of disappointment. But, it is hard. This high, low, high phase continues for a while. Self esteem goes for a loss. That is the last thing you worry about. You realize the meaning of sacrifice. And mostly, her silence kills. You cry your ‘heart’ out until you have no more tears left. You feel a deep void in your life. Your taste in music, movies and books change. You are willing to be there for her anytime. Even though distance separates us. Willing to go to any length and distance to help her. Even exams does not matter.

Love makes you realize how selfless you can be, how pure and childlike your desires can get. It brings out the goodness within you. But love also can de pretty nasty. Hate is a bagagge, so can be love sometimes. All you can do is console yourself with thoughts such as ‘she was the great perhaps and I only have myself for not being handsome enough for her’. Or that ‘Some people shine so bright for others that they often blind others and are ignored’. You keep telling yourself ‘not to ignore the moon while looking at the stars’. 
You go on cloud 9 if you get a text from her, even as simple as a good night or enquiry about a life event I had told her of. But the feeling falls as hard as an excited electron falls back to lower energy levels, giving away energy. You get ignored, taken for granted. You tolerate all that coz you do not know the situation other person is in. It gets worse when the other person is stubborn and very emotional. Stops texting over petty arguments (as if the relationship means nothing) and never initiates convo. So, when she is online, you do not know whether she is just waiting for your text. Sometimes there would be a reply that shall lead to ecstasy. But sometimes they are ignored and the blame is on your rude attitude. An attitude of honesty and bluntness rather than double tongued manipulations.

I used to do all sort of things for a ‘special someone’. Make her laugh, do crazy things, support her, write stories and songs. It felt good making her happy. In that way, I was just being selfish. Her happiness made me feel good and I was just finding my own happiness in her happiness. This was what a many would call a ‘one sided love’.

She had the habit of keeping data pack on all night long and checking it intermittently during sleep. A trait I shared with her. But she sometimes complained of people disturbing her sleep by texts at night. So, you are always in a quandary whether to text her (especially during tense moments) or let it be. The stupid heart reasons maybe she is waiting for your texts, which I still do not know the answer to. Say, for instance, we do not wish each other ‘Good Night’, then I keep checking the phone for that ecstatic text. Only to be disappointed. But the stubborn heart keeps hoping nonetheless next time. You do not feel like listening to lectures and want to constantly talk to the person about anything and everything.

In the end, I did not even get a date from her. Worse was when she said “Date is not a big deal. I have done that quite a few times” but still refused the same in my case. I did not ask for anything much but just an opportunity to express my love for her.

After I asked her to meet me, she would say things like “I do not want you to travel all this distance just to meet me”. I tried telling her often that this was nothing for me. It was just a night’s journey and that she wasn’t ‘any other person’. “It is like travelling across the country to see that ‘beautiful lake’ or a beautiful mountain”. Yet, she would just change topic when I would bring this up. She never was honest about not wanting to meet me. This was really painful. And when she had the chance to come to my city, she never really took it up. It was like I was living in an imaginary labyrinth.

This sort of conversation was very common

Girl : You are very good person. I like you. But we cannot be in a relationship. You are not my type.

Boy : I am willing to change for you.

Girl : What is the guarantee you won’t change after we are in a relationship, if you can change now.

Nonetheless, the heart is resilient and knows deep down that power of love still exists and that some day it shall skip a beat for that ‘special someone’.

My love for her will always be unconditional and true. May be someday she will realize. I only wish her goodness in life. Hopefully she finds someone who loves her much more than me and I find someone whom I shall love truly and unconditionally.

Million words, million tears hasn't made her understand how much she means to me, my heart is shattered into a million pieces.

Even after all this, I am glad that I got to feel this way about someone. The best one can do is “take a sad song and make it better” as iterated by John Lennon. After all, ‘Har kisi ko nhi milta, yeha pyar zindagi main’. You can not try to wrap your head around to understand what you did wrong. You seem to realize that the only mistake you did was that you loved her deeply and truly. But, one can never assume the other person to understand that.